“Hello.” “Good Morning.” “Thank You.” “I’m sorry.” These words are small, but they are powerful. They set a tone. They acknowledge a person, or a situation, or a standard of kindness, communication, and a type of humanity that is tremendously important. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can make or break our days. Especially if those words come from someone whom we love, whom we trust, or who is in a position of control over us. If you haven’t guessed already, today – and for a few weeks to come – I’m going to focus on communication and the power of our words.
For much of my career as a counselor, I have been telling people that nobody can have power over you unless you allow it. I have used phrases like “Don’t let them rent space in your head”, or ” If it doesn’t apply, you’ve got to let it fly”, or my favorite “Don’t take anything anyone else says personally”. The last phrase comes from the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. And it makes alot of sense. Ruiz says that all people are looking at life through their own lens, their own perspective, and each point of view is very individual. For this reason, every comment, opinion, critique, or compliment that someone pays you says more about them than it does about you. I agree with this line of thinking, and I have found that it is especially helpful for those people who tend to over-personalize or internalize negative messages that others put out there. I have run countless Anger Management groups, and many of the participants would tell me that the message of not taking anything personally was the most helpful tool they learned. Negative messages often get transformed from hurt to depression to rage over time. And that is when the damage begins.
Not taking things personally is important. I continue to believe that. But there is more to my topic than not letting the actions and words of others damage you to the point where you start to damage yourself and others as a result of negativity, rudeness, or incivility. And this is where my personal change in attitude and behaviors is being challenged. This is where I am currently “recalculating.” I began writing this blog vowing not to be critical of others but to challenge and empower you “and myself” to make personal changes that would help not only ourselves, but those around us and the world at large. Hopefully, I have kept my promise of not being critical of others so far – I have tried to – my reason for focusing on individual change is that I see too much general criticism going on from the computer keyboards, water coolers, coffee shop tables, television news shows, magazines, and employee break rooms without much personal change and personal responsibility changes being made. As I look at this last sentence, it in itself seems critical, but as I said – I am recalculating and I think it is time to get real. Not to start pointing random fingers at individuals, political organizations, media moguls, or hypocritical people in power in our society, but to start building the positive power back from the bottom up. I believe that is where our power as individuals lies.
Our words matter. They make a difference. They can build someone up or tear them down. And it doesn’t take many words to do it. Sometimes just the tone of our words is enough. I can say “Thank you” in a way that is smooth as butter or as sharp as a knife. I can pay you a compliment on your choice of clothing or criticize your outfit using exactly the same words but by changing the tone. Did you know that the real meaning of the word sarcasm is “to tear flesh”? How often do you use sarcasm in your daily conversation? How much flesh are you damaging each day? It is time for each of us to think before we speak. It is really that simple. It’s not a hard concept, but it takes practice. It is a habit. And the ugly truth – the one that I have been in denial about, or maybe just too afraid to acknowledge – is that we – the individuals in the foxholes – trying to live decent lives and to teach our children basic core values to have a level of personal happiness and contentment with themselves – we are becoming outnumbered, out powered, and outdated in the area of simple, positive communication. If you don’t believe me, take this test. Pay attention for one solid week as you go into a store, or make phone calls to various places, or interact with people outside of your regular family, friends, and business associates. Keep track of how many times people use words and communication that makes you feel good – that makes you feel like you made the right decision by going to that store, or that doctor, or using that phone company. I challenge you to literally keep track of those interactions during a week’s time. When you go home, heighten your awareness of the shows you are watching on t.v. And make sure to spend some time watching the shows that your kids are watching. Is the language between the characters positive? Does it build strong character? Is there any sarcasm going on, or character assassination of others through negative language? Keep track of what you and your kids are reading for that week. Look for the same pattern of negative messages, criticism, and putting the focus on problems caused by others. One week – seven days.
If, after that week, you are able to say that in all of those areas you found the majority of words, messages, and energy to be positive, to be uplifting, and to add to your general sense of contentment and happiness with your life – that is wonderful. Keep doing what you are doing. And please leave a blog comment to let me know about where you are shopping, what services you are using and what you are reading and watching on t.v. I’m serious – I want to know what things are “working” so that I can use them myself and share them with others. I want to help and highlight those people and places that are building up rather than tearing down. Here is one small example – it is the Taco Bell Restaurant near Exit 5 of the Adirondack Northway – in Latham. I really enjoy going there because the staff is always polite, and courteous, and they seem happy to be working. I appreciate the effort they make, and in turn, I go back. If anyone is near Latham, and hungry, I would recommend that you go there. I also would recommend the show “Word Girl” on P.B.S. for your kids. It is on every weekday at 4 p.m. It focuses on language and learning new words, but it is also quite funny – especially the monkey sidekick “Captain Huggy Face”.
I can’t tackle this issue in one week. Do Your Best All Ways will be a series over the next few weeks – maybe months. Your mission for this week, should you chose to accept it, is to think carefully before you speak – use only those words that express your feelings in the best way that you can…
Great blog Brian. It would be a much better world if we all were more careful with our words and more considerate to one another.
Wonderful way to start 2011. I have always believed the power of the spoken word. There are people in their 60’s and 70’s who will still tell you what a teacher in grade school told them. They have carried it around their entire life.
thank you for defining
“sarcasm”…..wow, what an eye opener—tearing of flesh is so much more powerful. self-reflection……….