For anyone who has been in or around a 12 Step program, the concept of “people, places, and things” is nothing new. One of the first suggestions for people trying to recover from any addictive or destructive behavior is to focus on, and to change these three key areas. At first glance, it may seem like a simple task and relatively easy to make these changes, but I can assure you it is not. Lately I have been noticing a great number of people outside of the recovery community, both old and young, that would also benefit from making these changes in their lives. They, too, seem to struggle with making changes in these areas in order to overcome or break free from long standing hurts, habits, and hang ups.
Let’s start with young people. Studies have shown that “mean kids,” both boys and girls, often are more popular and travel in larger social circles than do “nicer” but quieter children. These mean students are far more likely to become bullies, and they often have no one in their lives who questions or corrects their behaviors. The answer to why they are more popular is not really a mystery – it speaks to a larger truth about human nature. These young people draw and demand attention. They often can come across as funny, or charismatic, or exciting. In short, they are not “dull”. And those traits appeal to others, even at a very young age. One heartbreaking research study I viewed showed how a young child who was being physically and emotionally bullied by another student on a playground continued to try to join the “bully” and his group of friends rather than to play by himself or to find new friends on the playground. A psychologist who was being interviewed as the video played explained that many of us will continue to return to such abuse because it is known and familiar, and our nature will often chose what we are used to, what is comfortable, over facing the fear of making changes to our lives – even if we know the comfortable thing is harmful for us.
If this sounds far fetched, take a personal test: think about someone or something that has continually let you down somehow or fallen below your expectations for years. This may be a friend, coworker, family members, whoever comes to mind first. Now think about what your expectations of that person have been and how they have missed the mark. Try to be specific. Did you want more emotional support from this person? Did you want them to pay more attention to you? Did you want them to acknowledge all that you had done in the relationship? What have your expectations been, and how did the other person fall short in fulfilling them? Don’t worry – you don’t have to share this information. It is yours to keep in confidence. But really try to think about who the person or people are in your life that you keep going back to and finding yourself disappointed. Once you have named them, ask yourself the million dollar question: “Why haven’t I changed my expectations of this person or relationship?” For my first few years as a counselor, I did what too many addictions counselors do: I told people that they would need to completely change the people, places, and things in their lives in order to stay sober. I would teach and preach about the vital importance of staying away from every person that might put my client’s sobriety in jeopardy. And this was good advice. The only problem was that it rarely happened because the advice is a nearly impossible task. Many clients would ask “So you want me to sit home alone and not do anything with anyone?” That is not at all what I wanted. I wanted these people to begin attendance at 12 Step Groups, and start to make new friends. I wanted them to try new things for fun, to review their lives and to remember the interests and hobbies and laughter they found from “natural highs” before the addiction became primary in their lives. I wanted them to find people to share these things with – people who would nurture and support them through the difficult yet priceless benefits of recovery. The problem was, I underestimated the fear that most people faced in order to make these changes. I forgot about how enticing and comfortable old patterns of behavior can be, even if the old behaviors cause ongoing troubles, pain, and strife.
Over the years, I have changed my focus when working with people in early recovery. Now I try to point out the importance of identifying their expectations in these situations. If someone makes the decision to go back into a bar, sit next to a person they have drank with for years, only drink seltzer, and have the person who is drinking alcohol be understanding, supportive, encouraging, coherent, and most importantly any “fun” to be around, that is an expectation that needs to be changed. I have realized that telling most people they need to completely change their friends and social networks is futile. It has been more effective on my part to inform people that their relationships with these people are going to change, and so are their expectations of that relationship. In a similar way, I talk to many people who will agonize over attending a family function, a work party, or some social situation because of a person that will “push their buttons” in some way. In these instances, my advice would be the same – change your expectations of how that person will act. Waiting for and/or expecting that someone will suddenly and radically change the attitudes and behaviors they have always exhibited is not only unrealistic, it can be extremely unhealthy. Picture the scene of that young child returning over and over again to face the abuse of the bully and his gang. As Albert Einstein so eloquently put it: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Continually expecting change in others is a prime example of this adage.
Now let’s discuss places for a minute. Back to the bar. Doesn’t it make sense that someone who is trying not to drink shouldn’t be spending time in a bar? The only person I have known who was in recovery from alcoholism and was successful at regularly spending time in a bar was that loveable tv personality Sam Malone from the series “Cheers”. He was one of the first characters I remember seeing in mainstream media who was a recovering alcoholic. And that was pretty groundbreaking, and cool. The disturbing part, at least for me, was that lovable Sam put himself around alcohol and people drinking it every day and seemed completely unaffected by it all. He also never mentioned any type of therapy or support in his sobriety – those things would come later on television with other characters “think The West Wing”. I seem to remember seeing an episode of “Cheers” where Sam actually relapses and starts drinking again. I believe it happened because he lost a lucky bottle cap that “The Coach” had given him. Luckily for Sam, he had the situation under control in 30 minutes – the duration of the show. Other people – real life people that I have known who put themselves around alcohol, or drugs, or whatever their addiction was, have never been able to rebound from a relapse as quickly. Changing the places that one goes is a vital part of cultivating and maintaining a healthy recovery from any addiction or damaging habit. And it is also not easy. Similar to changing one’s expectations about people and relationships, changing places involves the recognition and humble acceptance that being in or around certain situations is going to increase the chance that you will “or even might” resort to a behavior that you are trying to change. And here is the common response I hear to this suggestion: “So you want me to just avoid anywhere that might sell or promote (insert the addiction or unhealthy behavior here)? That is impossible! And besides, I can’t just avoid it forever!” True enough. But you can choose to avoid it for now, for today. And you should avoid it when you are able to. I have written before about my struggles with food addiction, particularly emotional eating. When I am actively trying to change my food habits, I know that I need to stay away from places that will “trigger” me. I do not, for example, pack myself a healthy salad and apple for lunch and then find a nice picnic table outside of the local K.F.C., or Coldstone Creamery, or local hot dog cart to enjoy my healthy alternatives. To do so would be nonsensical and irrational and just not very bright. In the same way, I do not know too many people who are trying to quit smoking cigarettes that continue to go out to the smoking areas with their nicotine replacement patches or gum just to visit with those people who are smoking. These things may sound like common sense, but I again challenge you to look for those behaviors in your life that you know you need to change, and maybe you are changing, but you continue to put yourself in places that do not promote or help you in any way. One last word on changing places. I do know that there are times when all people will feel obligated to put themselves in places that are challenging to change: For people in recovery from alcoholism, I hear this often about weddings, or family reunions, or some type of annual traditional get together. Remember two things: an invitation is not a legal summons – it is never obligatory, and whether you believe it or not, the event will go on without you. If you feel that you absolutely must go, go early and leave early, and always have a plan to “escape” even earlier if you need to. Events such as these have a tendency to involve increased drinking, drug use, and overall riskiness the longer they go. So if your motive in going is to pay respects, or to honor someone who is there, being one of the first to arrive and leaving gracefully and respectfully before the “jello shots” or before the alcohol loosened tongues start to increase in volume is the safest bet. These suggestions may sound simple, but I have seen them save more than a few people from falling back into old patterns of destructive decisions at such functions.
Now on to the “things” in this trifecta of change. What “things” are you holding on to that you don’t really need? If you are like me and my wife, there is probably a good deal of “stuff” around your house that is not actively being used – items that you kept because, at the time, you thought you might use at some point in the future. One blatant example in my life is the area around my workbench in the garage. I have a habit of saving the extra pieces, and parts, and various left over items after building something. I figure that I will, or at least might, use these pieces some day if my project needs updating. The problem with this logic is that when and if the day comes when I actually do need the missing piece, I rarely if ever remember that I saved it, or if I do remember, I have no idea where exactly I put it. It is far more likely that I will find some odd piece or object at a time when I don’t need it at all. I will then look at the thing with intense curiosity, having no idea what its purpose is. At that point I either throw it away or place it carefully back where I found it in the hopes that clarity about the significance of the piece will return to me when I need it. Another good example is holding on to used paint cans. My wife and I took a clever suggestion a few years ago about labeling each can of partially used paint with the room we had painted it with: So we broke out our Sharpie markers and went to work labeling each can: “Bedroom paint, Kitchen paint, etc..” This was a great idea, and the hope was that when we needed a touch up, we would not have to go try to match the color and buy new paint. ½ gallon paint cans take up a lot of space. They also have a tendency to freeze in the winter if they remain in the garage. So the result of this practice has been that when we have gone to the place affectionately known as “used paint can mountain” in our garage and located the paint we need, we pry off the often filthy and rusted top to find a hardened and useless block of paint. I have tried cutting the block from the can and rubbing it on the touch up area, and I would not at all advise this method to you. My point? Hanging on to some things that you do not or “might not” need can cause problems. And often times these things that we hang on to “just in case we need them,” are not so tangible. Resentments, worrying, romanticizing times in our lives that have past – all of these things take up space in our brains, and our time, and our perspective of the here and now. Another useful suggestion in the 12 Step Program involves taking regular “inventories” of oneself and deciding which things it is time to get rid of. Consider it as a type of internal “spring cleaning”. It is a chance to review one’s thoughts and behaviors, and to decide which character traits are no longer useful, and which ones may in fact be holding you back from moving forward in your life. For people who have admitted to an addiction, this is a vital step, but I think this is a good suggestion for all people. Couldn’t we all benefit from a regular review and analysis of our thoughts and actions? Successful businesses and business people know that without consistent inventory practices, their products and services may soon become outdated. Doesn’t it make sense that our private lives should include these same reviews? Holding onto things that no longer are useful or that may be holding you back or that are taking up valuable space unnecessarily is bad business. We need to let go of things in order to move forward, to keep up with the present world, and to be successful.
My challenge this week is for everyone to take some time to think about the people, places and things that need to be inventoried in your life. Look for the outdated or unhealthy things that you can change or update in some way. Remember that change is rarely easy, or comfortable, and that it never shows up at a convenient time. But change is really the only constant in this life, and it often leads to new people, new places and new things that turn out to be exactly what you need to grow, and learn, and live the life you deserve…
Gret article, Brian. Succinct, clear and full of insight!
This is so true with WW. Changing behaviors is so difficult, but worthwhile. Took awhile for the exercise too, but now I wouldn’t miss it.
Great advice. Lots to contemplate.