I’ve been told by far healthier people than myself that in a successful Program of Recovery, it’s important to make amends quickly when you’re wrong or when you’ve hurt someone else with your words and actions. Bill W. and the creators of the 12 Step Program thought this habit was so important that they devoted an entire Step to it – Step 10: “Continued to Take Personal Inventory and When we were Wrong Promptly Admitted It.”
The practice seems relatively easy (certainly easier than not drinking), but I’ve always struggled with saying I’m wrong about something, or tougher yet, with saying I’m sorry. It’s not a trait I’m proud of, and I’m sure there are many roots to this character defect, but I choose to place the blame firmly at the feet of the creators of the “Happy Days” show. Arthur Fonzerelli, a.k.a. “The Fonz,” was one of my first role models. He always struggled in saying he was wrong or that he was sorry about things. As a plump, fidgety young man wearing a stretched out Fonzie tee shirt, I desperately wanted to have Fonzie’s motorcycle, leather jacket, droves of admiring women, and the ability to make juke boxes play simply by punching them. Now, nearing a half-century of life later, the only Fonzie-like goals I’ve reached are a nagging narcissistic attitude and the stubborn tendency to never say I’m wrong.
Which brings me to the recent incident in Washington which really upset me (and please trust me when I say I’ve been trying so hard not to be too upset by the happenings in Washington since November of 2016 – since my initial freak-out and running around in circles while gnashing my teeth). I’ve rid our house of cable television and limited my own exposure to the national news which lowered my blood pressure and overall cataclysmic fear considerably). But the picture of the smirking young man got through these defenses and it immediately triggered an intense anger (another of those character defects that healthier recovering people tell me to beware of). In this particular instense, without even reading about what happened, I knew why my reaction was so strong – because the look on that kid’s face was so familiar and disturbing.
I can’t remember if it was a person in recovery or one of several counselors I’ve employed over the last twenty years who first told me that if I can point out the character flaws, annoying traits, or downright jerky behaviors of another human being, chances are I have the trait that annoys me in myself. In other words “If you can spot it, you probably got it”. And in this case, the hokey but wise adage was spot on for me.
I have countless character defects and struggles to deal with – but I also recognize some strengths in the cards I was dealt (I always wanted one of those “I’m Okay – God Doesn’t Make Junk” tee shirts I saw so often growing up, but it seemed like only girls were allowed to wear them so I stuck with my Fonzie shirt instead). One of my gifts I’ve noticed is the ability to remain fairly level headed about things and to truly take in both sides of an issue. I’ve always had the ability to see the shades of gray in this life, especially when it comes to human behaviors, thoughts, and especially opinions. The older I get, and working with people who are trying to recover from an incurable disease has really strengthened this ability. There is truly very little that I see as right or wrong/ good versus evil in this world anymore.
Which is why I cut the cable, stopped posting political views, and limited my time listening to news and political discussions when the current administration took office. I was able to see (with help from those healthier people again) that my reactions were based in fear. Duh, right? Some of my like-minded friends are screaming right now that we should all be afraid. But hear me out. The other part was the “What are you going to do about it” or better yet the “What can you do about it” part. Even Recovery Slackers like myself know the value of The Serenity Prayer, and we say it and use it so often because it works. One of the biggest things I learned from that prayer is that I don’t necessarily have to agree with someone or something to accept them. Acceptance does not equal agreement in the same way that forgiving does not equal forgetting. I took the steps to limit my intake of news and political commentary because ingesting these things was not really doing anything productive – it was only fanning the flames of my fear and powerlessness (powerlessness is another big word in our program, and I needed to learn that it doesn’t mean helpless).
I also tried to listen to both sides (especially to the side that was causing my fear – because I would much rather understand them than be afraid of them). And this did help some. I’ve been able to accept without agreeing, and I’ve also seen some very good points brought up. I haven’t “unfriended” one person because of a political comment, and I’ve read everything they put up, really trying to gain understanding and put things in context. Doing so helped me accept my powerlessness while not feeling entirely helpless.
And then the picture came along, and I just kind of lost it again.
So here’s the amends. I’ve heard there’s more to the story than meets the eye. I’ve heard that the Native American actually instigated the event. I’ve heard that the group of young Catholic School students was actually being taunted by another group of protesters before this happened. And I’ve also pondered the question that if the young man in the photo and others were not wearing MAGA hats, would this be as much of an issue? All good points to ponder, and I’m sorry – I apologize – I was wrong to jump the gun, to post something and take a side without first investigating the story to see if the reporting I was reading was correct and unbiased. One of the really good points I’ve learned by listening to people I don’t always agree with is that much of the information and reporting we’re getting is extremely biased and subjective. I think that’s true, and I think it’s important to really research an issue these days before you speak out one way or another.
So I am sorry for not doing that. Next time I will.
Before I end this ramble and turn off my political radar again for awhile, I’ll let the rest of the worms out of the can I’ve opened. It’s about that smirk. I could spot it because I’ve got it. And part of what has bothered and frightened me with the current state of the nation is that the man currently in the White House seems to have been smirking like that his whole life, and, quite frankly, he’s ruining it for the rest of us white men in America.
Please understand me – I’m not saying the kid in the picture is making that face on purpose. He is young, and I know nothing about him, and he may not recognize the smirk yet, just like he may not recognize the amount of power and choices and in my opinion responsibility he has simply because of the color of his skin and his gender. I believe the photographer knows the smirk – that’s why they choose the picture – and I think they also know it really gets to those of us who are truly afraid by the decisions currently being made in Washington and the rich white man who has enjoyed (we might say exploited and abused with no thought of personal responsibility) the power bestowed upon him for which he has done very little to earn. I can’t help but see Fonzi’s narcissistic power at work in all of this. And I was brought up in a time when this was all cool. But so was segregation. And keeping women in the kitchen (or the bedroom) where they belonged. And so was applying countless unhealthy stereotypes to anyone who was not white or male. All very cool. That’s how I interpret this picture.
I’ll never claim to know what exactly goes on in the mind of the man currently in control of our country, but I think I know what he meant when he said “It’s a very scary time for young men in America”. I assume he was talking about white young men (young men of color are used to being afraid of countless things in America – especially rich white men), and I think he was saying the same thing I’m trying to express – that the jig is up. The times are a changing, the playing field may finally be leveled and all the people who have been suppressed, abused, walled-out, and not given the same opportunities as us white men are not going to stand for it any more. The time is literally up. And the irony in all of this is that the man who represents the ultimate in white male privilege and outdated Fonzi-like narcissism may be remembered as the catalyst that finally brought these changes into being.
I have a feeling you’re either going to get this or you aren’t. But if you truly don’t, I hope you’ll at least start to listen. I do think that most of this can be sorted out if we (especially us white men) just give Step 10 a try with regularity. Taking a personal inventory is really about paying more attention to the things you do and say. The best advice I ever heard was to ask if something is Kind, Necessary, and True before saying it. In terms of behaviors, my “program” can be summed up in two words: Humility and Love. If I’m able to speak things that are Kind, Necessary, and True, and if I’m acting out of Humility and Love, it makes sense that I will find the Serenity promised in the prayer referenced above. Unfortunately, I flounder and fail with my words and behaviors often. So practicing the second part of Step 10, the promptly admitting when I’m wrong, is vital. I’ll keep trying, though, because I now believe that doing these things is really, really cool…
I never thought of it the way you put it, Brian. Yes, in spite of everything that man is changing the status quo without knowing it. Reminds me of the Grinch story. All the evil the Grinch brought about, yet in the end love prevailed. Power is never given up easily. Just look at history. Yet change does happen. Come to think of it, The Grinch had a pretty big smirk, didn’t he?