I have many books – maybe even too many books. Most of them are about self help philopophies and various spiritual principles. I guess it’s “my thing.” So after sitting in my own worry, helplesseness, self pity and sense of overwhelming dread for awhile, I looked to my library for solace. Here’s the thing – most “if not all” of the books I actually own have been bought used from old books stores, garage sales, or online. Last week I went to one of my favorite “used everything” stores and found some books that I could not resist. I knew that I did not need them, but turning down 25 cent books is very hard for me, especially when they seem to have some really good information. I also will buy several copies of a book I already own at these times, so that I can give a copy away if the opportunity arises to share the information. So I bought 10 or 12 books on this day.
I decided “or more accurately, I was lead,” to a small book that focuses on the 12 steps of addiction programs and compares these steps with withbiblical verses and references. I’m not sure why I picked this book up – as I said, I think I was lead to it. Anyway, I am very familiar with”The Steps,” and I thought I would start off withStep 3: “We Made a Decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.” As soon as I read this passage, I knew that it was not an accident that I had purchased and was now reading the book. I have read these words countless times in the past, and I have taught and preached them to others, but the full weight of their message on me now felt like a direct message from my Higher Power. As promised, there were biblical references associated with this step, and another reminder came into view for me. It was a passage from the New Testament that basically coined a phrase that is also spoken repeatedly in 12 step programs: “But for the Grace of God go I.” In terms of addiction, many people in recovery say this when they hear about others who are continuing to suffer from their addictions, or have relapsed into old behaviors. When I heard the phrase, I always associated it with the mysterious and benevolent powers of the God I have worked so hard to understand. In my heart, I guess I continue to believe that if I work hard, behave myself, and keep my head down, God will continue to bless me with good things. At the very least, he will not send bad things for me or my loved ones to deal with. In this way, the higher power I have put faith in is like a mob boss, a Godfather of types, under whose protection I feel safe, but there is still something about the guy that makes me edgy. I wouldn’t want to let him get behind me for too long. I live in fear that he may come and ask me to “repay a favor” at anytime, and the price he will ask will be extremely high. This book reminded me that my concept of God, and grace, and what going through painful moments is all about has gotten all messed up.
Before I go on, let me just point out that I do not want to be a preacher or advocate for any certain set of religious beliefs. In fact, my search for a religion that “works” for myself and my family has been akin to a wild goose chase. It seems as if every time we find a church and a set of people with whom we can relate and agree, a glaring and undeniable issue presents itself, and we pack up our Bibles and beads and move on. I truly do not believe that anyone needs to be religious to be spiritual, and the best advice I have gotten on the subject is “do not let people tell you about God – let God tell you about people.” In that spirit, I have focused my attentions on the words of the Bible and other texts and looked for messages that seem to overlap in all successful moral codes and beliefs. But more about that in future posts – for now, I just want to make the point that anyone can find poignant and valuable information that can better their lives without going through the filter of another human being.
So back to the 3rd Step. Everything I have read about the 12 Steps and why they work so well for addictions points to a basic truth. The steps are designed to increase humility and to help people find a spiritual way to life that works for them. It’s really that simple. Many other self help guru’s and groups have ridden and written on the coat tails of this philosophy, and most of what these opinions say is summed up nicely in the words of the Serenity Prayer. The prayer was written in 1943 by Reinhold Niebur, but he claimed that the text was much older and that he had merely altered it slightly to fit into a sermon he was writing on modern Christianity. The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous came upon the prayer, and soon it became a common part of the meetings and philosophy used by A.A. I chose to print just part of the prayer, the part that most people are familiar with , but if you want to dig deeper, you will find that the author makes many references to the life of Jesus, and that he invites the reader to find balance and seek wisdom through Christ’s example. No pressure – just try to live your life and face adversity like God’s perfect son did – got it!
I like the Serenity Prayer “abbreviated and full version,” because it reminds me of some basic things that I cannot get throughout life without – serenity, acceptance, courage, and wisdom. Without a Higher Power in my life, I am not able to achieve any semblance of serenity or peace of mind. For some insane reason, I forget this, often, and go off on my own and try to just handle everything without looking for help or advice from a higher power. I shut myself off to the idea that I might not have to do everything alone. I learned a long time ago that when I am by myself, I am usually thinking or making things alot more complicated than they need to be. Only by allowing someone or something else to have a say, do their job, or in God’s case, run the universe, do I find anything close to peace of mind, or peace from my own mind.
In order to have any serenity in my life, I also have learned to accept things that I do not agree with. It took me a long time and a fair amount of banging my head against various walls to realize the difference between agreement and acceptance. Today I can accept things. I no longer try to deny them, or minimize them, or run screaming from them. I can accept things “or most often people” that I truly can not change because without accepting them, I really only hurt myself, and sometimes those closest to me who have nothing to do with the situation. Most of the situations that I find “unacceptable,” involve unfairness, injustice, and pain or trials that do not seem to make sense. I had to tell myself that I will have an opportunity after my death to question a higher power about these issues, and that I have to believe it will all be explained to me. so I have a list – my “I don’t like it list,” and someday God will hear it. But for now, I know that I can’t move forward, I can’t have any control, if I refuse to accept what is and keep wishing for what was, or for what I want.
Courage is a work in progress for me. As a man, I heard many messages about being brave and courageous that were false when I was growing up. It took another man to tell me “you are filled with fear,” about 10 years ago for me to realize that what I thought was anger and resentment was really just a cover. I was afraid. And one of the biggest challenges was walking through those things about myself that I had hidden – those things that I thought were shameful, and ugly, and unacceptable. I needed to hear and believe that I had been created exactly as I was meant to be, and that I was loved unconditionally regardless of what I had done, or thought, or failed to do. I was loved because of a grace that I still don’t fully understand. It is hard to shake off the fear and anxiety that I carry from, from, well, mostly from myself – from my internal wiring and the chatter that goes on in my insecure head. But I have made progress. I have taken healthy risks, I have questioned the “norms,” of many of my old teachers, I have tried to lean more on faith and less on facts. My struggle comes when I do these things and life appears to get worse, not better, in many ways. My fear tells me that I’d better get back in line with the masses, I’d better behave and do what I am told by society, or the majority, or some fictional group of people who have found ultimate fulfillment, financial security, and endless amounts of happiness by giving up their risk taking lives and doing what everyone else is doing.
The last thing that the prayer asks for is wisdom. In particular the wisdom to know when to accept something and when to try to change it. From a young age, I have listened to Kenny Rogers music, and his song The Gambler has always been one of my long time favorites. I am reminded of the refrain from that song that states: “You’ve got to know when to hold em, and know when to fold em” when I think of the wisdom that is sought from the serenity prayer. In the end, much of our lives is like a card game – we are dealt certain cards and we play them the best way that we know how. At times, the wisdom to make tough choices seems more like a guess, a feeling, or a leap of faith into uncharted and often scary waters. At those times, my prayers are for a burning bush, a bolt of lightning, or something big, loud, and flashy to show the right way to go, the right move to make, or if I should sit back and let events play out – to “fold em” and surrender to the situation at hand. I’m not sure why God doesn’t make it that easy, but you can bet that it is on my list to ask him someday.
This too shall pass. My wife and I both know that we will face the current hardships together and that in the end we will have learned and grown and overcome another of life’s unexpected trials. But right now, it really stinks. And we can accept that…
Wow!! You most likely will change someone’s life with this! You’ve just brought someone closer to God, and for others (myself included) reaffirmend what they believe, and given courage to “fight the good fight” and not align with the “masses”. I thank you, and I know you made God so proud today!! God Bless! You’re all in our prayers.
I love you guys!!
Prayers and blessings for you all as you go through this next part of the journey we call life.
How beautifully written!! I can already see how this challenge your family is facing will help so many others on their journey to come..and maybe that’s part of the bigger picture that can’t be seen right now. So proud of you both and grateful to have you as friends!
Just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers….
I hope knowing that many people are praying, thinking and loving you all brings you some peace.
Thank you so much for the kind words and the support, everyone. It is very comforting to know that you are all in our corner!