Rage. White hot heart pounding fists clenched teeth grinding head screaming ready to attack or scream at any minute rage. My family is threatened by forces completely outside of our control – again. And that makes me angry.
It’s always surprising to me – Mr. Counselor, Mr. Recovery, Mr. Spokesperson for dealing with situations in a calm and sane manner, at just how quickly all of those circuits in my brain can be by passed – how I can go immediately into search and destroy mode when those I love are hurt. The books, and classes, and hours spent prostrate to higher minds and Higher Powers gone in an instant. There is only rage.
In this particular instance, the focus of my anger is unclear. The event was caused by the perfect storm of ignorance, incompetence, laziness, and too many people ignoring protocol and a clear danger that was in their midst and the midst of those around them. Good old denial. The illusion that “things like that will never happen here.” Naïve stupidity.
These factors muddy the waters a bit and make the bulls eye for my wrath difficult to discern. In truth, all involved deserve a taste of this bitter rage, if not a good hard dose of it. In fact, the only person who may deserve a pass is the person directly responsible for the pain. This person lacks insight and judgment and accountability. And the people entrusted to care for the person should know it. But they didn’t. They ignored signs. They failed. They passed the buck of responsibility again and again until the inevitable happened.
And this passing on of any personal accountability is where my anger has settled – at least for now. It is so pervasively present in all aspects of our society today. Nobody knows nothing. And they certainly aren’t expected or obligated to find out. The ironic part of this current crisis is that my family had just crawled out of this mangled labyrinth of irresponsibility and buck passing behavior around my wife’s treatment for cancer. That horrible experience began with her insistence that all was not well despite the fact that she had been going for regular mammograms for a decade because of a genetic predisposition for breast cancer. Report after report showed that she was “fine” during those years. She wasn’t. We would later find out that the tumor had, in fact, been growing for up to ten years. This should scare you – both men and women. Because once entering the playground of cancer survivors, we heard similar tales repeated over and over and over again by our new, brave, rageful friends who also had to insist to their doctors to take them more seriously and to actually listen to what they were saying.
One of the most common sayings we heard during the cancer ordeal was: “That has never happened before!” Over and over people told us this information as they lost vital records, forgot about appointments, never called us back, and added to our overall feeling that we were truly on our own. None of those things had ever happened before. We were the first ones to experience these mistakes.
There were a few good people – ones that seemed to truly care about their jobs, and to hear us, and to respond in a timely manner – but they were definitely the exception and not the norm. And shouldn’t people doing their jobs be the norm? My wife and I dealt with this incompetence as we deal with many things – with humor.
“You are a true ground breaker,” I would say. “Can you believe that they just told me that has never happened at their office before? Wow, how about that?
“I am the very first one to experience this again!” she would respond. “Lucky freaking me!”
We heard the exact same phrase again in this current debacle. We wanted to respond “No. Of course it hasn’t. Because if it had, you all would have lost your jobs and been replaced with competent people.” But we didn’t. Or, rather, we haven’t yet. F.Y.I. – telling someone that the bad thing that just happened to them has never happened before is, in short, not a good idea. Nor is trying to minimize the situation or in some way compare it to a lesser experience in one’s own life. My wife actually had a receptionist say to her last year, after we had gone through 3 weeks of no call backs from a medical office: “M’aam, I’ve had some medical scares in my life, too, you know!”
She did not have cancer. She had some scares. In her life. This was a bad thing to say, especially to my wife, who at that moment had been pushed by fear and frustration to the place where the slightest agitation was going to cause the dam to burst and the pain to roll over all and anyone stupid enough to have thrown a stone at crumbling façade. My wife actually needed to remind this person that her situation went beyond a scare. Did I mention that this was an office that cares for women diagnosed with cancer? But we were later told that the receptionist was new to the position, and that no one who worked there had ever said anything that stupid or insensitive before – it was the first time…
We actually stuck with this provider because she was reputed to be “the best,” and indeed she “the surgeon,” was. My wife also apologized a while back – actually apologized to the woman whom she attempted to drown in the flood of words that came from anger, and hurt, and well, truth during that horrible encounter. She owned her part and forgave the woman. I love my wife for that. And I love her for many other things, too.
So here we are again. In the cross hairs of a horrible situation that was caused by similar stupidity and apathy and passing the buck of responsibility and preparation. And we are angry. And hurt. And resolved that this will not happen again. Not just us, but to others. As I mentioned before, this was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time with people who, for whatever reason, neglected to do their jobs and to provide a safe environment. And whether we like it or not, it’s time for a fight.
Anger, resentments, criticism, and negativity are all emotions and feelings that I have worked hard on during my life journey and particularly in recovery. At one time anger was my back up drug, the addiction that made me feel powerful and kept others at what seemed a safe distance. But the cost was great. I hurt others regularly and walked around in constant fear, covered by anger, and always looking for what was wrong with situations and people, and life in general. Always looking for a fight. I try not to fight as much anymore. It rarely seems worth it, especially if my expectation is to change the attitudes, views, or behaviors of others. I also recognize now the fearful lives that most chronically angry people I encounter are living, because I have been there myself. One of the most valuable gifts of my “program” has been the ability to take very little of other people’s negativity and anger personally.
But this is different. My wife and I realize from our most recent battles that if we choose not to fight with this issue, that it will simply be ignored, swept under the proverbial carpet, and will, in all probability happen again – to someone else. And this time that someone else may not be as quick thinking or as strong or as resilient as my wife. It may be your wife, or your child, or you. So we need to fight, and raise our voices, and keep knocking on doors until we are satisfied that people have learned from their mistakes and begun to accept responsibility for doing their jobs. It is time to begin saying “That will never happen,” rather than “That has never happened before.” So we need to fight this fight.
One of the strange but wonderful things that has happened during my journey through recovery is that I am reminded to pray during painful times. I say it is wonderful because it helps me to back away from the rage and hurt. And I also get results now. Most often these results come in remembering certain phrases or writings, or advice that seems relevant to my current situation. Lately I have been reminded of the Biblical counsel found in Ecclesiastes 3:2. I had not thought of these words for years, probably since being subjected to the Peter, Paul, and Mary musical interpretation in the song “Turn, Turn, Turn” while listening to a radio station in the back of my parent’s station wagon as a kid. But the words have been repeating and replaying in my mind a lot lately, which for me usually means that I need to hear them – and to listen. And I think I know why. Because there really is a time for different things during our life experience. And some of those things are hard. And painful. Some require acceptance. Others require confrontation. And rarely do any of these things conform to our schedule or degree of comfortability. For me, they require only two things – things that have been cornerstones of a sober and somewhat happy life: faith and courage. Neither of which I can maintain on my own.
I have a feeling that these words are much more therapeutic for me than they will be for you. Perhaps not. In either case, I will continue to seek faith and courage and counsel through prayer and through others as we prepare once again to fight. It is a time, it is a season, and this too shall pass…
hope you and yours are well and getting better everyday…..Stand and deliver the truth. Ignorance and denial are no way to run your life, business or school…..Please wish your wifey the best from all of us…..she is a special person, but you already know that !
I love you!
Me too you.
Thanks Hector. I know who to call if we need a battle partner!
The bible reading you quote is the one Phyllis had picked out for me to read at her funeral mass. She and I both did not believe in coincidence.Fighting the forces of denial, and irresponsibility is exhausting, but know you have your family behind you, and I love you all very much.
Brian, I wish you and your family the best and hope for a positive resolve from this. I know that rage well – I dealt with it with my own father in the medical system, and myself for years until finally being diagnosed with ideopathic intracranial hypertension (IIH) in December. Turns out I’ve had it for years and was starting to lose vision. (I guess my blood pressure of 170/100 wasn’t stress after all… who knew patients could be right about their own bodies?)
You wrote, “I have a feeling that these words are much more therapeutic for me than they will be for you.”
I disagree. I’m glad you write your blog. (I do read it, although I don’t usually comment!) I sometimes think Yalom’s “Universality” factor is the most curative factor – While I do not wish suffering on anyone, sometimes it helps to hear someone else describe what you’re feeling — because, truly, it is never “the first time” it has ever happened to “anybody”!
(Geez, what a great message to send to suffering families – “Wow, this never happens to anybody. The stars must really be aligned against you.”)
Prayers that it all works out.
I love you guys. My heart broke last night when I heard Then reading this today, Brian make me want to fight with you. Zannie, I love you!! If you need a partner in the fight, I’m here!
As I read your blog I understand more about lifes battles and when we really need to stand together and be heard . Although we are not as close as we where years ago if you or your family need someone to stand with you I am just a call away . I would stand beside you my friend in any battle at any cost . Take care of the family and yourself !
I hope that helped and now it may be time to let go and let God.
Your anger may hurt you more than others that are more deserving.
Bob – Thanks for the gentle reminder. It did help.
Rick – Thanks old friend. I do not doubt for a minute that you would be there “maybe even with the big red Fat Albert plastic bat we used on the bees!”
Love you too, Corri. Your on our list of “tough chicks” to call if the going gets tougher!
Thanks Jeannie. Prayers really do work?! Go figure!
Thanks Mel – it’s nice to know others can relate. I’ll have to check out Yalom’s thoughts. Thoughts and blessings with your trials as well…
Mom – She’s probably the one who keeps whispering it to me, then! Thanks for the constant, unconditional love and support, and for the strong stubborn Irish blood line!
It is easy to understand the frustration and anger. Only by educating ourselves can we protect the ones we love. My wife is a RN on a post surgical floor and luckily for us she has more knowledge than most. She also has the NYC attitude that she grew up with. My best advice is that you educate as well as you can and then become a pit bull with the knowledge you have. Our prayers are with you and your family.
Warren – Good advice. Education does seem to equal power. I am continually amazed at educated people who act stupidly though…