One of my primary goals as I set out to write was to transfer ideas and methods for more peace of mind, introspection, and overall life satisfaction without criticizing anyone or anything. I did not realize how difficult a task this would be. It is amazing to me how often we hear, read, speak, see, and are, in general, surrounded by critical thoughts and actions in our everyday lives. I used to listen to the car radio in the morning, and I enjoyed the talk shows. I knew that they were sarcastic, and somewhat mean spirited at times, but I rationalized that it was all in good fun. One day, when I was in a particularly serene and positive mood on the way to work “which is rare,” I noticed that my mood changed to one of sarcasm, negativity, and overall edginess “if that is a feeling – or even a word,” by the time I got to work. It started me thinking about the effect of critical and judgemental messages on myself and my moods.
From that day on, I started to notice that criticism has become the cultural norm of our media, and that this attitude has pervaded our individual thoughts, speech, and actions. It is difficult to find a t.v. show, movie, magazine article, newspaper story, or other form of media that does not contain critical information in one form or another. I am unsure how these negative messages and tendency to criticize others became so rampant. Some might say that negativity, pessimism, and critical natures started with individuals and worked upwards, into the media because it is “what sells.” That question appears to be one of the “chicken or the egg” variety, but one thing is for certain – it is not hard to find someone or a group of people talking about what someone else or another group of people is doing “wrong”.
Whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs are, it is interesting that all religions share some common themes. One of them is often called “The Golden Rule.” Put simply, this rule states that you should treat others the way that you want to be treated. In all of the spiritual literature I have researched, and in the variety of self help topics I have come across over the years, this rule is also mentioned in one form or another. Treat others the way you want to be treated. It doesn’t sound so difficult. It is usually one of the rules in the elementary classrooms I have visited. It makes sense. It is a good character trait. It teaches us compassion and respect and love for each other.
So – are you doing it? Do you speak words of kindness, appreciation and love as an everyday habit? Or are you guilty, as most of us are, of falling into the trap of comparison, character assassination, and daily critiques of how “they” should be living life. It’s easy to fall into this trap. As I have mentioned, negative messages are everywhere. And maybe there is a reason for that. Perhaps we need to compare, and criticize, and critique others so that we do not make the same mistakes that “they” make. Maybe we see lifestyles and decisions and behaviors that are disturbing to us, that go against the morals and values that we hold so dear. Maybe we feel it is our mission, our “Game” to restore better behaviors, thinking, and life skills to the population at large. And those are important goals, right?
As an elementary teacher and substance abuse counselor, I have learned that my words are weak if my actions contradict what I say. For example, if I am teaching children to follow the Golden Rule in school, and then the same children overhear me gossiping about a teacher, or parent, or student, they are going to ask “Mr. Farr – would you like that person talking about you that way?” That is one of the things I love about working with kids – they keep it real! And keeping it real means being authentic, being sincere – having a walk that matches your talk. Time and again in our society we see people rise to positions of great success. They achieve money, popularity, and social influence by telling “them” what they are doing wrong and how to fix it. We then see the same people being devoured by gossip and stories involving the same behaviors they spoke so vehemently against. Why does that happen? What is the message? What can we learn?
Walk your talk. Be authentic. Speak words of kindness and love whenever possible. I heard someone say once that before she speaks she asks herself three questions: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If the answer to all three questions is yes, she speaks. But asking yourself these questions takes time, and practice, and a desire to get away from judgement of others. Are you ready to take that step? Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements, puts this challenge another way. One of the agreements he writes about is to always speak with integrity. By this he means never use the spoken word to hurt others or yourself. Integrity. If you truly believe that behaviors and attitudes around social, political, and other issues in our country need to change, then by all means get in that game. But do it with integrity. Demonstrate the changes you promote. Live them.
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