Last week I challenged everyone to be mindful of your language and of the language around you. I hope that you did. And I hope that you took the time to get honest about the messages you are giving and receiving each day. Today I want to go even further and ask you a tougher question: Are you a bully? Do you bully others? Do you stop others from bullying when you see it, or hear it around you? If your answer to any of these questions was an immediate “No – of course not!” I hope you keep reading. I have been researching and giving presentations at local schools about the ongoing problem of bullying. The need for these presentations is high, and many people say it is getting worse with the increased use of the internet and cell phones, but my research has not supported that notion. In my opinion, the issue of bullying is just changing forms and being talked about more today.
It seems like the “turning point” for bullying came after the Columbine shootings back in 1998. Up until that point, many schools, parents, and even students considered teasing, taunting, and bullying as just another right of passage – an annoyance for sure, but nothing worth getting too upset over. Kids will be kids. After Columbine, America did what we often do following a tragedy – we looked for accountability – for someone to blame – for an individual or group of individuals that would explain this horrible event while at the same time reassuring everyone not involved that it could and would never happen again. At first, the finger was pointed at the two young men who did the shooting. Words like “unstable, anti-social, violent, and loners” were used to describe the individuals. The next group to take some blame was the people who held gun shows and were responsible for selling the weapons to the young men. This evolved, as it often does, to a general criticism of our gun laws and the guns themselves. Laws were changed, gun shows were observed, critiqued, and shut down in many areas. In schools, staff and students were on the look out for the possible unstable, anti-social, violent, and loner types that might repeat the same behaviors. These safeguards had some effect, but the ripples from Columbine continued to upset the hearts and minds of many students and families who saw a deeper explanation for the tragedy.
A few of these people began to talk and write and go on television shows asking questions about what might have driven these boys to such unimaginable behavior. They had, after all, left many clues. They had written, blogged, and video taped messages about revenge, and justice, and the cruelty of others at their expense. The few people who had begun speaking about this started to grow. Mostly they were those students and family members who had been on the receiving end of bullying. They pointed out that the increased use of the internet and the growing number of cell phones left victims of bullying with no safe haven – the teasing and taunting no longer ended when school was over, now it followed students home. There was literally no escape, no respite from the negative messages of others. Some families of students who took their own lives as a result of bullying also began to speak up, and this once small group of people became a louder and louder voice for awareness and education and change around the issue of bullying in schools.
Now fast forward to 2011. A bill was recently passed in New York State that will require all public schools to incorporate anti bullying curriculum in the school year. Many states already have similar mandates. Most of the school officials I talk to say that the issue of bullying is as relevant as ever. Some are reluctant to say it is getting worse, but none yet has told me it is a non-issue, or that it is on the decline. So – once again – the schools are given an initiative to take a huge social problem that is rampant in the day to day lives of our young people and fix it.
And this is a good thing. I mean, that is the whole reason I started First Step – to go into schools, where the young people are, and to get real with them about behaviors, attitudes, and decisions that can determine their destinies. I should be grateful, thankful, and marketing like crazy to all of these schools. In truth, I am doing that. And I also am extremely honored and proud to go into the schools I have visited so far and to join in the fight against bullying.
My deeper concerns are about what happens after my presentation. I worry about when the teachers and school staff are not watching “because they can not watch,” every student in every hallway, or on the playground, or in the lunchroom. I am even more concerned about what happens when these young people go home and turn on a television program that is ripe with sarcasm, cutting comments, and not so subtle commentary and images of what it means to be part of the “in crowd” and how to let others know they are not part of the in crowd. I wonder if many parents don’t think twice about what is being watched by some kids because the program is funded by Disney, or Nickelodeon, or because it is only 3:30 in the afternoon, and surely their can’t be anything inappropriate on at that time of day! Another concern I have is about when these same young people log onto their home computers, or turn on their personal video game devices, or start to text each other and they are invited into a world of criticism, rumors, gossip, and destructive, negative messages about other young people in their schools. Many of the kids doing these things are confidant that their parents will never, ever see any of these messages. They know their rights, and they believe that privacy is at the top of the list. They are not required to use the family computer in public view – they are never asked to give a parent a password to private information or social networking sites, and they certainly do not consider any phone conversations or texts as any of their parents’ concerns. And the sad part is – they are often right. Their parents could care less. Or at least it seems that way to the child.
Last week, part of my challenge was for you to increase your awareness not only of your own language or of that you have with others in conversations, but also to track the communication allowed into your house. What are the shows, and websites, and radio programs, and other forms of messages coming into your house saying? What is the overall message that you and your family are allowing in your home through these messages? Are they messages that are positive? Do they leave you feeling hopeful, and build up a sense of bonding and healthy communication in your home? Have you given attention to what your kids are watching, and hearing, and downloading? If not – start today. Anything that can plug into a wall was not meant to be a baby sitter – these items need to be monitored and our children need direction when it comes to the messages they are getting from various sources.
What I am finding through my work with the issue of bullying is that the true power to change in our schools lies with the bystanders – with those people who are not “bullies,” and who are not directly “bullied,” but who stand aside with their mouths closed, doing nothing while these behaviors go on. They do nothing. Study after study on human behavior has shown that it usually only takes one person to set a tone in a group – one person to communicate a tone of positive or negative energy. One person to lead the bystanders and to set a tone that says “You will not treat others that way in this school – in my school – in our school.” Are you modeling that type of positive language and behavior to your family and to the people you interact with every day? Do you spend most of your time adding to complaints each day or do you express gratitude? Do you feed the cynicism of others or are you generally optimistic with your language? Are you guilty of criticizing people and situations in your life – especially when the people you are around are doing it? Are you a bystander? Remember – it only takes one person to change negative energy to positive energy. This week my challenge is to continue vigilance around the language and messages you are sending and receiving. I also challenge you to spend some time looking and listening into your kid’s world. Not to criticize, condemn, or condone – but just spend a week really trying to understand what it is like to be that child. More to come on doing your best all ways next week…
The greater challenge is to deal with female bullying. It is covert, and girls are very good at it. Being “Odd Girl Out” leaves women looking for the rest of their lives for acceptance and feeling inferior. Very tough challenge.
I started going to a new school in the middle of my first grade. My new classmates told me not to be friends with “Eileen” because she had cooties. I didn’t know what cooties were (still don’t), but I followed the pack and shunned her, too. Bullying can start at a very young age – I was 7 years old. My parents never talked to me about bullying – maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not, but I wish they would have tried.