Have you ever been thirsty? I mean really thirsty? I mean the kind of thirst that comes when you have been pushing your body to its limit, or you have been out in the sun for a long, long, long, time with no drinking source available. I am talking about the kind of thirst that dries out your lips and mouth and throat to the point where your thirst becomes more than just a casual thought or a small desire, or a lingering notion – it is all you can think about and your body seems to cry out from every cell to seek out any form of liquid and to drink as much and as quickly as is possible. Have you ever felt thirst that strongly? I have.
It happened was when I was 14 years old and I had gotten a new bicycle. It was summer, and I was beginning what would become a love for biking long distances. I did not have a water bottle on the bike, and I went much farther than I had planned on. In fact, I went up, over and down a large mountain and I nearly made it to a nearby town before I realized how thirsty I had become. I turned around and started to head home. I had to walk the bike up the mountain I had come over, and it was at that point when my thirst really kicked in. My throat felt like sandpaper, and my breath was gravel being rubbed up and down the paper as I went. My throat was getting tighter and tighter. It was about a two mile walk just to get up that mountain, and I was feeling more and more desperate. I began to scan the side of the small, rural road for a source of refreshment – a stream, a geyser, a large, cool water fountain perhaps? I saw a soda bottle that someone had discarded. It had some liquid left in it. I was desperate. The thirst was becoming stronger and stronger with each step I took. The bottle had some liquid in it and the cap had been put back on. It looked like soda. Refreshment. Cold. Wet. I had at least eight miles left to get home. I was sure it was soda. Someone had left it. Maybe left it just for me, or some other foolish soul in my predicament. It would help. I might not find another one. I probably would not. My throat ached. My tongue was so dry. It looked wet. And refreshing. And I was desperate. Anything would be better than what I felt at that moment. I was desperate. I would do almost anything for some relief, to change the feeling I was having…
This is the time of year when many people make resolutions and begin to plan for changes in their lives. Gyms report that January is always their most profitable month. Weight Watcher’s also has the highest number of new members in January. It is the time of year when, for a multitude of reasons, people have gathered up the strength, determination, and focus to make some of the changes that they may have been putting off. For me, the changes I need to make are primarily fueled by a desire to fit more comfortably in my clothes, and a desire to not feel under the control of every cookie, brownie, or sugar based product in my immediate vicinity. I need to eat less – to eat healthier – and to take better care of my body.
Unfortunately, as we all know, many of the New Year’s Resolutions that people make do not last for an entire year. Sometimes mine don’t even last for a month, or two weeks, or even an entire day. I “slip”. I “slide”. I minimize the resolution or change that I vowed to make, and go back to my old, comfortable, unhealthy behavior, or the old, comfortable, wrong way of thinking, or the very thing that I know needs to change in my life and I tell myself ” Oh, yes, I’ll change it – just not today.” At these times, I think my that my willpower is non-existant. I feel like a pathetic, weak fool. And I wonder how I have been able to change, survive, and do anything, at anytime, that was good for me.
And that is the irony. I have accomplished things. Many things. And some of them involved sacrifice, and discipline, and strong willpower. Or at least I thought they did at the time. When I look back, I can see a pattern of taking many risks that involved leaving my comfort level, focusing on a goal, and taking the steps necessary to attain what I wanted – or needed – or something I was told I’d better do. As Nike so poignantly puts it, I “Just Did It”. So why can’t I stop eating the Christmas cookies now? Why can’t I drag myself off the couch at night and spend 30 minutes – 1/2 hour – exercising and taking care of my body? Where has that drive, that motivation, that desire to do what will eventually make me feel better, and healthy and happy gone? Why can that gingerbread man cookie control me? When did I start to kneel at the alter of the Keebler Elf and all his powerful helpers?
I think the answer for me goes back to my bike ride when I was 14. I’m not desperate enough – yet to make the necessary changes. The biggest, boldest, most long lasting changes I have made in my life have come when the pain caused my current actions or thoughts or old ingrained patterns becomes great enough. And I seem to tolerate alot of pain before I consider change. I have heard many other people talk about this phenomena as it pertains to stopping addictive behaviors. People will often say that they stopped the addictive behavior when they became “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” I know that feeling. Whether it is in a relationship, or a behavior, or a way of thinking “i.e. being angry all the time,” I have ample experience with repeating unhealthy behaviors and thoughts over and over and over again. Albert Einstein had an interesting theory about insanity – he said insanity is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results. My experience has shown that this definition of insane behavior is right on target. And yet, I will continue the behaviors and thoughts ad nauseum until – well, until I stop doing them. But that is usually a long a painful time.
My pants are too tight. My stomach is in a constant state that is not hunger, but it is also not fullness. I’m not so sure I know what real hunger feels like at this point. There is a very puffy and saggy image reflected in the mirror “and I have worked hard to avoid mirrors”. It is time to do something. It is time to leave my current comfort level, because if I’m honest, it’s not comfortable anymore. It is time to make some changes. I am becoming thirsty for change. I could become alot more uncomfortable with my current state, but I really don’t want to. I don’t want to wait until the thirst is so great that I feel hungry, angry, lonely, and tired “do you recognize the acronym HALT in there? I didn’t create it, I just think it is true in many situations”.
I was in HALT status when I was 14 on the bike. I was truly desperate. I drank the liquid. It was soda. It was wet. It was also about 90 degrees from sitting in the sun for so long. But I didn’t realize that until I had drank almost all of it because my desperation caused me to gulp a great quantity. It was so warm and gross and so not what my body needed, that I immediately gagged vomited. It did not help with the rest of my journey home. To this day, I have not had that brand of soda again, and I go everywhere with an ample supply of water. I need to remember my mistakes. I need to remember that when I wait too long to make changes – when I allow myself to get to the red zone of my HALT status – it is then that I will rush into situations and decisions and want to “fix” things as quickly as possible. I usually do this so that when things appear “fixed” I can go back to doing the things the way I was doing things before I made the changes. Thinking and acting in ways that are bad for me. The ways I am familiar with. I guess that Einstein was a pretty bright cookie after all.
My long lasting changes have been just that – long and lasting. There hasn’t been one example in my life of a crash diet, or a miracle pill or a single reading of a single book that had the effect of making a change with any substantial staying power for me. My changes have grown slowly, over time – with a mixture of faith and footwork and plenty of whining, complaining and backsliding along the way. I found out not to long ago that often what I think is the end of a challenge is only the end of the beginning of the challenge. As long as there is breath in my body and a pulse in my veins there will be new chapters to write, old habits to battle, and the unending insanity of trying to prove Einstein wrong in his theory.
As the new year starts, I hope that everyone finds that delicate balance between being kind to yourself and facing those unhealthy things that are no longer working for you. I advise you to go slowly and with intention. I read recently that new habits form after doing something an average of 66 times. That sounds about right to me, and I find it vaguely disturbing that it is so close to a demonic reference. I know that my old habits can be very demonic in their nature. Good luck, good health, and good times this week as we enter 2011…
Luckily for us, most of the ridiculous amount of desserts we shared for Christmas Eve have now been consumed-I’ll hide the rest honey!
I can definitely relate. I got on the exercise machine the day after Christmas when I found my new sweaters were bulging in the wrong places. I still, however, have not gone a day without a cookie. One day at a time without alcohol? Yes. One day at a time without a cookie? I don’t think so. I will choose moderation instead! P.S. I’m glad it was soda.
I kept saying, “NO – don’t, don’t drink it!” As I was reading. Yuck! I wish I would develop an aversion to Carbs as you did to that soda! Happy New Year!