This clip is from my favorite Simpson’s episode, and I think it’s an excellent (and hysterical) depiction of the weird and often uncomfortable dynamic that happens so often once someone enters recovery.
When I stopped drinking, I knew some things would need to change. Like drinking so much, and during most of my free time, for example. I also figured that I would have some explaining to do with friends who knew me primarily as a drinking person (i.e. someone with whom almost every activity we did together involved alcohol consumption).
Some people did ask questions when I showed up for the first time without hefting my trademark beer cooler along (I’m continuing to work on my resentment that they invented those giant coolers with wheels AFTER I quit drinking). Any explanation I gave for my new-found abstinence at that time seemed to stop the conversation immediately, however, which lead me to the conclusion that being in these situations was a bad idea because I felt like the killjoy for everyone else’s good time. I found out later that a basic tenant for anyone to stay sober is the requirement to change people, places, and things (the P.P.T. rule). But that’s not always as easy as it sounds, and when people in recovery do go around people who knew them as drinkers, the labels of wet blanket, party pooper, or my least favorite – self-righteous and snobby, often continue long into sobriety.
I never saw those labels coming when I retired my beloved beer cooler. Because I didn’t get sober to stop anyone else from drinking. It was certainly not my plan to become a buzzkill or to judge anyone else that I hung out with. These were my friends, after all! I quit drinking because any fun I’d experienced from it had long since been outweighed by the growing unpredictable and undeniable negative consequences in my life. My trust and devotion to alcohol outweighed every other priority and relationship. It became a horribly abusive love affair near the end, and still I kept going back for one more try – one more drink.
I also tried to quit cigarette smoking several times, but found that I couldn’t drink without busting out the smokes (another thing I’ve learned in recovery is that addictive behaviors feed off each other – this is why it’s not recommended that people quit just one addictive substance but continue to use others).
I tried the quitting one thing method, and after almost cancelling an alcohol-free camping trip because I couldn’t find any pot to bring (and how could sober camping possibly be any fun?) the lightbulb went off and I saw that for me I needed to stay away from ALL the substances I had used to get high, drunk, or otherwise escape to a place of non-sobriety. It was a truly tough but priceless lesson during those early days of white-knuckle abstinence. And the truth is that I continue to struggle with caffeine and sugar, two substances I’ve rationalized continuing my dysfunctional relationship with, even though it’s plain that I’m addicted to both. I’ll save the list of various addictive behaviors that plague me for another rant, but it’s important for me to tell you I have quite a few.
So why all the self-disclosure, and what does this have to do with supporting recovering people? My point here is that it really bothers me (and other people in recovery I’ve talked to) when we’re considered as self-righteous, judgmental, or “uppity” to use the language of my Kinfolk just because I/we don’t drink anymore.
Here are some general tips based on what I’ve experienced and from listening to many other people on the path to recovery over the last two decades: Let people in your life who are trying to put a substance use disorder into remission know that you appreciate, admire, and accept them. Ask questions about what it’s like, what is good and bad, most and least challenging, etc… And then, most importantly, LISTEN. You really don’t need to sell them on being sober, or to remind them of how bad addiction was (trust me, we remember). The goal is not letting their sobriety become the proverbial elephant in the living room that neither of you ever talks about. Try to recognize the unhealthy love I mentioned earlier that they have for their addiction, and support them in the same way you would someone who is trying to leave an abusive spouse or partner. Recognize the word I keep repeating – trying – because relapse and slipping back into unhealthy relationships happens all the time, but it doesn’t mean that the person won’t eventually break free, especially if they know they have people who will love and support them through the toughest, scariest parts.
Because love and support are the strongest things you can do. The final decision and the heavy lifting involved in remaining sober each day will never be your job, so watch your own expectations (your control issues, to put it more bluntly), and build your own system of support. When people slip, and slide, and relapse into old behaviors one thing will always be true – IT’S NEVER ABOUT YOU. But it will hurt you, and you’ll be afraid, and that’s when loving and supporting become the hardest. The good news here is that there are more resources and support systems for family and friends of people in recovery than ever before. These resources are often free, and they work!
Two mantras of recovery are “keep it simple,” and “one day at a time”. These two slogans apply to people in recovery and to anyone trying to support them. Love is simple, although it’s not always easy. Doing your best to support a friend or loved one who wants to avoid situations or people that might be toxic in their early recovery is fairly simple (even in long-term sobriety, I always appreciate when someone tells me that an event may have people drinking at it, or if I’m hanging out with an old friend and they simply don’t drink why we’re together – to me, that shows respect and love and takes the old feeling of being a buzz-kill away).
Any incurable disease that is in remission might return. There’s actually many mights and maybes in every life. But people who have gone through treatment for a chronic illness often live their lives “one day at a time,” enjoying every moment and each other’s company in a way that they didn’t before the disease was diagnosed. I consider myself and all others in recovery as survivors of the deadly disease of addiction. I’m certainly not cured, and I’ll continue to work on the symptoms of this disease as they arise (see caffeine, sugar, and addictive behaviors). But I’ll never give up, and I know the people around me will continue to love me, broken as I am, and support me regardless of what happens. I know this because they’ve told me, and showed me, and loved me each day. In my opinion, that’s the best medicine you can give…
Thanks for explaining so clearly the struggle. Knowledge is power. You are very loved and respected by so many. Your life is an example of strength and courage. God bless.
Good article about how smoking hinders recovery here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201702/did-i-quit-drugs-die-smoking
Agree, can’t substitute one drug for another. That’s what worries me about pot. Legalization may be OK for the decriminalization aspect, but is that what we should be concerned about? Legal does not mean OK.