My father and I stood before the door of the small, run down trailer and I could feel my heart beating faster in my chest as my fists slowly clenched and unclenched.
He walked up and knocked on the door, and I moved up, standing behind him, looking over his shoulder, and noticing for the first time that he seemed to be getting smaller with time, and that his hair seemed so gray now, almost purely white – no more salt and pepper coloring as he had always liked to describe it.
After what seemed like several minutes, a teenage boy about my age opened the door and immediately looked surprised to find us on the stoop. I moved to get in front of my father, but he held up his hand and signaled me to stay put.
“Is your mother or father home ?” my father asked.
“Why?” the teenager asked, his voice trembling a bit.
“I think you know why,” my father responded, and then “If you had just told me you needed those things, I would have given them all to you.”
We were there because we had found out that this young man had stolen a few hundred dollars worth of merchandise from our family business. We found this out because someone in our small town had called and told us that he had been showing off the items in school. We had no security cameras or inventory control methods to verify this, and my father certainly was not going to get the police involved. My dad just told me to follow his lead and get in the car when we drove over to this trailer park. I had assumed we were going to retrieve the items, or the money, or at least to make the point that we were not to be disrespected and victimized in this way.
But the words he had just spoken to this kid surprised me, and they had an effect that I had not expected. The boy burst into tears. I had thought that we had come here to confront the problem, and possibly to use some force to set things right about the theft. But that was not my father’s way. He had no intention of getting the items back. He wanted to help this kid, or at least to teach him a lesson about kindness and human nature. And the thing that struck me most about the words he spoke to this young thief was that I knew they were true. He would have given anything to just about anyone who was in need. Because that’s the kind of man he was.
I have spent many hours learning about and discussing the traits of males that make them good men and good fathers in my work as a counselor. For me this conversation and moment in time with my father defines his qualification into the club. Besides being extremely generous, my father was exceptionally intelligent with a very humble nature that kept him from seeking praise or attention of any form. Like many good fathers I have known, he seemed to know the outcome of things before they occurred, and I can clearly picture the look on his face and the slight shake of his head when I would willingly ignore his predictions. I understand more completely now how difficult it can be to see that someone is making bad choices and feeling that you cannot stop them.
My dad would often impart his warnings and wisdom through short aphorisms and bits of country knowledge he had accumulated over the years. Here are a few of my favorites:
“When you plant potatoes, you’re going to get potatoes”
“A fool and his money are soon parted”
“The apple does not fall from the tree”
“Be sure not to throw the baby out with the bath water”
“There are others worse off than you”
“Talk is cheap”
“The early bird gets the worm”
“Don’t judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes”
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”
“Make hay while the sun shines”
“Always do your best”
I would hear these slogans numerous times during my childhood, repeated over and over again by my father. I thought at the time that they were annoying, and trite, and ridiculous. What could he possibly know about the world I was growing up in? I know now that these were his way of imparting knowledge to me about the things he knew were to come. He was not the type of man to spend hours lecturing, or pontificating, or warning me about impending dangers based on things he had encountered and overcome in his lifetime. He must have known I would not hear these things, much less apply them at the time. That is when he would give me the look, and the slight shake of his head. At the time I hated that I knew he was right, and in hindsight I realize that he probably hated it just as much.
Because I can see now, as a Father, that he knew a great deal about what lay ahead for me – the trials, and the pain, and the difficult, lonely roads that all of us will trudge through during the darker parts of this lifetime. Good fathers want to steer their kids away from these painful life experiences. I now understand that he was simply trying to lead the way for me, breaking the trail and lighting the way and hoping that I would mark his footprints and follow behind him. When I did choose to shadow my dad, I saw a tough, humble man who walked with purpose, and conviction, and who would always stop along the way to help others that were in need, giving them whatever they asked for.
I do not think that the relationship between a father and his son is that complicated, nor are the bonds between most men I have known. We want love and respect from each other, but we may never find or use the words to acknowledge these needs. “Talk is cheap,” as my father would put it, and most of the good men and great dads I have known would agree.
Good fathers try to lead in the best way they can, continuing the lessons and legacies of good men that came before them and trying hard not to pass on their own imperfections and pain. Nobody’s perfect, but good men and good fathers keep trying in the best way they can to lead the way with love. Your time with these men may be more brief than you realize, so I hope that this Father’s Day you will honor the fathers and the men in your life that have lead the way for you with love…
Great reading Brian! My parents often spoke of your father and what a great man he was-and obviously knew what he was doing as a father! Enjoy your Fathers Day!
Brian…I am deeply moved by your wisdom and expression of same. Knowing Bob as I did, you – and HE – got it right.
God Bless and Happy Father’s Day
Hi Brian,
This was a very good read about your Dad. Not only was he intelligent and generous, he had a sense of humor that I loved.We were very good friends for many years. I also enjoyed the short sayings as I too said many of them myself. You were very blessed to have Bob as your Dad as you well know. I am Christine’s Mom.
If there was a thumbs up button I have just pressed it. Happy fathers day.
I had forgotten about that incident. He was extremely wise,and very understated. We found out about that when the mother of a student called. She said her son knew who took the merchandise and Bob had been so good to her kids. She had to call him. He would be so proud of the man,husband,father,and son that you are. I agree,you had a great role model
happy fathers day. I love you, and dad and I are so very proud. God bless.
Good read….Yours truly, Pablo Sanchez