As Father’s Day approaches, I am in the bittersweet position of missing my own dad who died nearly 20 years ago, while at the same time being extremely grateful for all I learned from him and from many other men of distinction that have been placed in my life through these years. I owe much to my father, and to these great men, and my hope is that I can walk in their rather large footsteps and continue to define what “being a good man” truly means while finding my way through this tragically wonderful life journey.
I was reminded of the blessing of having men of distinction in my life recently while on an annual men’s sober weekend retreat. I have been attending these weekends, on and off, for 14 years, and at first I hated going. Some people are surprised to learn that I am quite introverted by nature, and putting myself among 50 other men to discuss anything, let alone personal issues and “how things are working for me in sobriety” was akin to spending a weekend in a mediocre dental student’s chair while allowing the student to practice root canals with no anesthetic and using only a rusty Dremel. I needed a push, a pull, and some dragging to get there, and these things were provided by another dear man who not only convinced me to attend, but also got me to make the 2 hour ride with men from our area that I did not know that well at the time.
Anxiety. Social phobia. The desire to hide away, to isolate in the nearest man cave equipped with t.v. or internet access or find an acceptable man activity “ i.e. I’m working right now, don’t bother me.” These have been the unhealthy habits and internal feelings that fueled my alcohol use, abuse, and eventual dependence for years. “It worked great until it didn’t” as one of my current male mentors might simply state. And he is absolutely right about that – as usual.
Having spent the entirety of my life so far as a male, I feel justified in making some observations on the condition. I should note here that in no way do I consider myself the “average male subject,” nor do I mean to imply that I am in any way a spokesperson for the gender. But here I offer some humble remarks on things I have noticed over the last 45 years among our species:
– “being a man” needs to be re-defined for many young boys. And the definition needs to be more flexible. Manhood “and womanhood” are not absolutes. They exist on a spectrum. I do not have a favorite sports team, or even a favorite sport for that matter. Neither did my dad. I do not think the man ever watched a game of anything on television, and would have considered it a complete waste of time. We played golf together but never kept a sports card. And I learned about “manhood” from these things, but more importantly I learned what things are really important in life. Too many boys seem to get a rigid message about “being a man” that includes showing “no fear” as so many bumper stickers proclaim, or that they must “stay in control” which is the most often repeated male message. I would encourage male parents and guardians to adjust these messages. Try not to follow the stereotypes or to discourage feelings – real feelings, beyond anger and resentment which too often become the only acceptable feelings among many tough guys who are filled with fear disguised as rage but are clueless how to express it outside of violence and self-destructive behaviors. These are ripe grounds for addictions and life-long problems among young boys desperate to fulfill the “be a man” message.
– We need help, support, and modeling in communicating effectively. Every study of males and females at various ages of development shows that females talk “or text nowadays” almost twice as much as men do. It has been my personal experience that men who match women in their daily word count often do so only by sharing information that is completely self-centered, or that has no real substance and depth but is meant to influence, impress, and manipulate others (think male politicians here). My father liked to say that these longwinded fellows “Take a long time to tell a short story.” Men may not need to increase our daily verbiage, but we need help in what we say and how we say it. We need help in communicating at deeper, personal levels. Some of this has to do with trust – or lack of it. Here is a simple test you can perform on the men in your life, and it reinforces the first observation I made above. Try asking a man how he is feeling. Really feeling. Beyond fine, or good, or like dog feces. Some men don’t know how they are feeling, some cannot communicate it effectively, and some of us have simply never been asked. I do not ask you to perform this test to put anyone on the spot, but in the hopes that you might realize that communication at this level is a skill, a habit, and that many men need help with it.
– Most men crave respect and admiration. And this is different from love. Women want to be loved, to have connections with others, to feel they are an essential part of the tribe. Men may appreciate these things, but we really want to be seen as proficient providers and protectors. As strong and competent and worthy. Our role has changed over the years. My favorite father figure growing up was Charles “Pa” Ingalls from the t.v. show “Little House on the Prairie.” He did not fit the mold of the stereotypical man. Pa was unafraid to show his emotions, and often went against the social norms and popular messages to follow his conscience and to do what he believed was right. His actions and beliefs were respected and admirable. Unfortunately, media images and portrayals of fathers has changed, and now many children grow up watching bumbling, clueless idiot dads that are completely out of touch “think Family Guy – the worst show ever and also the best example of a nation of parents and caregivers who are completely clueless and incompetent.” I see many men who try to gain respect and admiration with material items – the biggest house, the fastest car, the fattest wallet. All of these things are nice to have, very cool and quite impressive to the outside observer. But I have found that admiration for the items does not equal respect for the man who possesses them. “Nice car – but what a jerk!” Most of the men I truly look up to rarely spend their time or effort trying to impress others with the things they own. They don’t need to.
– We need male mentors and advisers. Friends. Men we can talk to, even when we don’t want to. As mentioned, I do not excel in this area. The point in my life at which I had the most male “friends” was also the point at which my drinking was peaking, but the consequences had not yet outweighed the benefits. When I stopped drinking, many of these “friends” evaporated and I discovered, as I see many men in early recovery realize now, that I really had nothing in common with these folks besides how much we could drink and how many barstools we fell off. The relationships were completely superficial. Initial sobriety from any substance or addictive behavior requires changing people, places, and things, and there is a reason that the list is in that order – being around people that are continuing to use your drug of choice or unhealthy behavior once you have stopped is like being on a diet and going to the all you can eat buffet each night to get your soup and salad. It’s a recipe for relapse. Luckily for me, I did have true “friends” who stuck as close to me as I would allow them to during that difficult transition into a sober life. Great men who had my back and would to this day. True blessings.
– Men need a spiritual compass. Not necessarily religion, and certainly not a dogmatic, rigid belief system that only fuels controversy and arguments over “whose god is stronger, faster, and can reek more havoc on infidels and unbelievers”. The compass I am referring to involves something requiring more acceptance, tolerance, and an intuitive knowledge of how to behave in every life situation. I personally believe that this compass always points to the one premise that all religions and spiritual programs have in common – the Golden Rule that we ought to treat others the way we would like to be treated on each encounter of each day on this planet.
My father practiced the Golden Rule, although he struggled at some of the other areas I mentioned. He taught and modeled for me what he could, and did not provide what he did not have or did not know. Nobody’s perfect. “Pa” Ingalls did pretty well in all of these areas of growth and manhood as well, and I am glad the show was aired during my formative years, even though he and his family would not have been considered materially successful by this world’s standards. And the sober men I mentioned earlier, some of whom I only know by first name and that I only spend time with one or two weekends a year try their best in all these areas. They like to say that the path to a peaceful, serene, successful life (however you choose to define success) is one of progress rather than perfection. No one will ever do it perfectly. Nobody has all of the answers. But we do our best. At each of these weekends there is a time devoted to discussion around anonymous questions placed in an “ask it basket”. The idea is to allow men the opportunity to ask things they might not be comfortable saying out loud, and on prior retreats we have spent hours talking about many issues related to life, sobriety, and manhood. This time there was only one question in the basket, and we all assumed we would spend 15 – 20 minutes answering the inquiry and then get back to watching the campfire, or walking the lake shore by moonlight, or hearing the latest horrible joke from an old timer “i.e. How many drunks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one because he holds it to the fixture as the whole world spins around him.” But the conversation about this particular question lasted almost 3 hours. The question was: How do you define a Higher Power in your life?
There were no “right” answers. Some people mentioned God, others did not. But every man there agreed on one thing – the thing that keeps me going to these weekends, and the thing that keeps me sober day by day, and the thing that makes me forever grateful to have such men of distinction in my life. We all agreed that there is more to this life than ourselves, and that without seeking direction and assistance from this something else, this Higher Power, our lives would be much less rich, fulfilling, and wonderful. We do not need to always take control of every situation. It’s O.K. to be afraid. We need help sometimes. Being brave means being vulnerable. It requires trust and faith. These are the messages that define manhood for me now. The messages from my wise elders, my tribe, my Higher Power’s message and assistance speaking through each and every voice.
So for all of you men out there; fathers, grandfathers, sons, brothers, uncles, and kindred spirits, I wish you all a Happy Father’s Day, and I hope all of you seek out some men of distinction and some type of compass pointing to the Higher Power in your own lives…
Nice. I always liked how pa ingalls cried in every episode of little house. It was a terrific series and too bad kids get Homer Simpson as role model today.
Good stuff ole boy…..
Dad would be very proud of the man you are today. I think of when you were training Simba. He kept saying just use the newspaper to wack her. You insisted on training from the “Monks of New Skete”. When he saw how Simba turned out, he told Jack “Damon if that kid wasn’t right”. I’m sure he’s saying now “That man sure got it right as a father and dad”. Just ask your family. You’re mother and father couldn’t be more proud of the man you are. Happy Father’s Day, my amazing son.