There have been a few stories in our town lately involving drugs and alcohol that are upsetting people. The first happened a few weeks ago at a high school dance. Some of the young people who attended turned out to be inebriated. And that is an understatement. They had consumed enough alcohol so that their behavior was beyond their control. The chaperones for the dance did the right thing – the safe and recommended course of action. They called the hospital and had several of the young people picked up via ambulance. I am unsure of the medical treatment that these students received, but I assume they were candidates for having their stomachs “pumped”. For those of you who have not experienced this medical procedure, it is performed after ingestion of dangerous amounts of alcohol or other harmful substances, and it is, to use another understatement, very unpleasant. One thing is for sure – if any of the students received this treatment, it certainly provided them with a night they will never forget.
The second event in our community that ruffled some proverbial feathers was an underage “house party,” that was broken up by the local police. The police, like the chaperones, did exactly what should be done: they made appropriate arrests and held these young people responsible for their actions. Many around our community are alleging that these arrests were only made because the police are getting “tough” on underage drinking after a 19 year old young man died a short while ago after leaving a similar “house party” and wandering into a local stream where he drowned. The youth had been visiting local friends at a college, he was unfamiliar with the area, and no one has come forward yet to explain to the community or his grieving parents where he was for over an hour from the time he left the party to the time he was seen on a video camera breaking into a local office building, probably to get warm. All that is known for certain so far is that he had been drinking alcohol before his tragic death, which occurred alone in a small local stream in freezing temperatures. I can’t even begin to imagine how he felt, let alone to process what his family is now going through.
These stories frighten me. They anger me. They affect me to my core. I have worked with hundreds of people over the years, and I know that the majority of people who enter treatment do not stay sober. Some of them will end up in hospitals, others in jail, and many with chronic illnesses or dead as a direct result of their return to using chemicals. And oddly enough I can live with that – I do not see those relapses into old behaviors as failures, only brief glimpses and chances for those seeking help to experience what a sober life could be like. But these stories – stories of young people that often times never see the deadly danger of their actions coming – these are the stories that get to me. And the question I go back to – again and again – is how do we prevent the next death? How do we teach our youth to experience joy, or sorrow, or the wonderful spectrum of emotions in this life without turning to chemicals to tune out, or to deaden pain, or to somehow enhance that which is already, naturally and all by itself, a wonderful experience? How do we educate our children about the risks, and the lies, and the dangerous, deadly traps that abuse and addiction to chemicals plant for them in their young lives? How do we begin to use the pain, and mistakes, and tremendous cumulative losses our society has paid due to chemical abuse and dependence to strengthen and save our youth?
As I write these words, one way to begin this process is becoming clearer to me: we tell them about it. We educate our youth about the dangers of ALL chemicals, and we stop differentiating “drugs and alcohol” alcohol is, after all, a drug! In fact, alcohol remains the # 1 drug of abuse in our society. It remains the top contender for accidental deaths, suicides, car accidents, domestic violence, assaults, rapes, and a variety of other horrible consequences that all would have been avoided if we remove the one key ingredient – alcohol. We begin the process of change and prevention by telling our youth about these facts, and we back it up with data, lectures, and reminders that people are paying the cost for alcohol abuse every day.
Before I go on, allow me a quick clarification “call it a justification if you like.” I began these blogs with a few simple goals and promises. One of them was to not blame others, but to challenge my readers to seek out the small “or big,” personal changes you can make in your own lives to better enjoy the brief, thrilling ride on this roller coaster of life. And hopefully to have your increased joy of the ride spread to those round you. In truth, the challenges I have thrown out have mostly been for myself – if you can relate, that is a bonus, but the therapeutic value of these weekly rants has helped me to question my thoughts and behaviors, hopefully they have made me a tad nicer to live with, and they also have saved me a small fortune in insurance copays to lie on some therapist’s couch. So what I have to say now is not meant to blame, or shame, or point fingers at people or institutions about this problem. I believe my words are the truth, and that they offer an alternative. And when it comes to this subject – when it comes to our young people getting fooled, and abused, and beat up, and raped, and left for dead in some preventable chemical related tragedy, or at the very least, feeling inside themselves that they need any substance to “deal” with life, I feel the need to drop all subtlety, take the gloves off, and talk about what needs to happen to stop this – even if it only works for “some” of the victims, or even one of the victims. I have sat silent, or been too conservative with my words in the past when this topic has come up and the general consensus has been “What can you do? Kids will be kids!”
So that is my justification. Now for what can be done. I mentioned information. Real information. True information. Personal information. Parents and families have a responsibility to provide your children with information about the dangers of all chemicals. We also need to tell our kids if there is ANY history of substance abuse or problems within the family. This may be embarrassing, or seem taboo, or akin to “opening a can of worms.” Do it anyway. Along with the information about substance abuse in families, young people also need to know about any history of mental health issues in the family i.e. depression, anxiety, etc… The majority of teenagers that I have spoken to who are abusing or addicted to marijuana have an undiagnosed mental health issue – often Attention Deficit Disorder. When I ask if there is a history of mental health issues in the family, the majority of these young people have no idea. It has never come up in conversation at home. Others who are abusing alcohol will report never having felt comfortable in their own skin, or experiencing mood swings from a young age. Since alcohol is categorized as a depressant, these youths medicate their symptoms with it. The effects of the depressant offer temporary solace. This rarely works efficiently for too long. And these kids too often do not realize that they are medicating a bigger underlying issue. Adults in the family need to be responsible for researching and providing this information.
Another issue that adults can control is access to chemicals. Do you have alcohol in your house? If so, how much? Would you know if a can of beer went missing? How about two cans? Six? Do you have bottles of liquor in the house? Would you know if some of the liquor was poured out and taken? Would it surprise you to know that many children do just that – steal liquor and beer from unsuspecting parents and bring it to what is termed a “punch party”? Do you believe that many times these “parties” happen before or during school? And that often the participants are middle school aged? Easy and unregulated access is an invitation for trouble– plain and simple.
Here is another test. Go to your medicine cabinet. Is anything missing? Are you sure? How many prescription medications do you see? How many are narcotics? Stimulants? Depressants? Do you need them anymore? Would you know if your child had taken any? How about the over the counter medications – are any of those gone? Would you know how to detect if your child was abusing an OTC? Would it surprise you to hear that many of those drugs are taken while students are in school, and that middle school is the most likely place to start? And that the signs and symptoms are not at all easy to detect?
Are you ready to scream “Not my kid!” yet? Are you sure? Before you stop reading, or begin the list of all the reasons that your child would never, ever begin to take this dangerous path of destruction, allow me a few more blunt words of caution to the wise. I understand that every parent wants to trust their kid. In fact, I think that trust is a vital part of any intimate relationship. Now for the bad news – if your child, or any loved one for that matter, is struggling with an addiction, they are not going to be honest about it. Let me say that again in a different way – it is impossible to be both addicted and truthful at the same time. Anyone who is caught up in a dependence on anything will lie about it. I guarantee it. I have seen it over, and over, and over again. Lies are a symptom of addiction. As hard as it might be, the best way to deal with deceit is to recognize it not as a moral weakness, or a failure on your part as a parent, but to tell yourself that at that moment, the person telling the lies probably does not even recognize it for what it is – denial. The acronym for DENIAL says it all: Don’t Even N “know” I Am Lying. Active addiction requires dishonesty, and the most common form is denial.
Frustrated yet? Feeling powerless? Hopeless? If so, that is not my intent. I want you to know what you are up against. And I am frustrated with the tendency of adults to turn a blind eye to this deadly problem with our kids. Shrugging it off, or rationalizing these behaviors as a rite of passage or as something “we all did,” is not good enough. When I was a child, I played around with electricity and nearly burned our house down. My children have not done the same thing – because I educated them about the dangers of playing with electrical sockets. I do not consider sticking a metal fork into an outlet a “rite of passage.” In the same way, I can think of three times in my life when I was saved from dying after drinking alcohol by others in my life. There are probably more than three, but those times stand out the most “one was by my wife, and she reminds me of it from time to time – I still owe her.” Those times were not a rite of passage, or a phase of my drinking, or an inevitable by product of a young person out to have a good time. They were the result of a dependence on alcohol, an illness, and with a slight twist in fate, with the clock being rewound, and all the parts of the story being 2 or 3 minutes delayed, I would be another statistic in the death toll of addiction. Completely preventable tragedies. So back to the issues of trust as a guardian. If you are in that category of parent who is willing to put your child’s well being on the line in order to “trust” them – stop it. This might wake you up a bit to what I have seen as a counselor to adolescents: when asked what their parents might have done to get them to stop taking any type of chemical before they came into treatment with me, guess what the number one answer of my clients has been. Any ideas? Over my 10+ years in the field, the answer I hear the most is “my parents could have drug tested me.”
Which brings us to another touchy subject. What are your views about the use of alcohol? How about the use of drugs? Most of us know that children model the behavior they see most frequently. How often do you drink? And how much? And how do you speak to your children when it comes to the topic of alcohol? Do you glamorize drinking? Do you talk about drinking as a way to “relax” or to “have fun”? Have your kids ever seen you intoxicated? If so, what do you think was going on in their heads? And how often do you take the medications in your house? What conversations have you had about using medications? What are your real feelings about taking prescriptions and over the counter medications? Do your children know these feelings? Hard questions. But questions that need to be considered if we are ever to directly and effectively confront these issues.
Ready for some good news? O.K. I’ll try. The good news is you know your children in a way that no one else ever has or ever will. If things seem odd, or different, or wrong with your child – they probably are. If you want to trust someone or something, trust yourself and your intuition. Do not ignore the signs, or feelings, or God given sense about your own flesh and blood. Be annoying. Be intrusive. Ask questions. Be involved. Never give up. My experience with our young people has shown that the resentments and anger and “fits” that your child may show about how hopelessly untrusting and invasive and horrible you are is a far better option than the youth who feels nobody cares, or is watching, or has any idea about the trouble and hurt and pain they are feeling. When the day comes to pack your child off to college, or an apartment, or to the wedding altar, or to wherever fate may call, my wish is for EVERY parent to be able to say, with confidence, I did the very, very best I could to keep my kid safe. Don’t wait – the time for involvement is now…
Mr. Brian – one is ONLY RESPONSIBLE for the EFFORT and NOT the RESULT!
I for one never get sad, though I DO feel compassion when one RELAPSES and PERHAPS DIES, I get ANGRY as I KNOW IT DID NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN – this is not an opinion but comes from MY EXPERIENCE
I just had a discussion last night about the legal age for drinking. One person argued that it should be 18 since people serve in the military at 18. My question was, “What is the advantage of drinking at 18?” I cannot think of the age 18, and the idea of responsible drinking.