I realized something odd this week. I feel O.K. Peaceful. Tranquil. Serene. And this is odd for me, because my life circumstances haven’t changed in any significant way to cultivate these feelings. If anything, my life situation today is more uncertain, unpredictable, and downright scary than ever before. And it would seem that I am in good company. Strange winds of change are blowing – literally – on our planet. I recently read that to date in 2011 there have been more tornadoes than there were in the last 5 years. And the strength of these unstoppable forces has been stronger than those previously on record. Earthquakes are on the rise, too. Japan’s recent devastation by the tsunami was a reminder of the awesome and volatile nature of our earth. This spring, we witnessed houses along the upper Hudson River, homes that have been handed down from generation to generation without ever flooding, up to their rooftops with river water. Ruined. For the first time that any of the “Old Timers” can remember, there was just too much water, a combination of rain and winter run off, that combined as an unrelenting force of nature which destroyed not only homes, but vegetation, and roads, and anything else that got in the way. The entire area was recently labeled as a disaster area, and state aid is coming to help with the reconstruction. As I watch the national news, areas of reconstruction following natural disasters seem to be more and more prevalent throughout our country.
Beyond the natural changes we are witnessing, there have also been huge modifications being made in lives due to the economic times we find ourselves in. It seems like every day I hear about another person I know that is losing, leaving, or transferring from a job. Every occupation, every industry, every facet of our daily lives seems to be effected by the downturn in the economy. Nothing appears certain. Little seems solid. So much to wonder about. And at my home, my wife and my kids and I are learning to live each day with the uninvited house guest that showed up last fall. We were looking through some pictures the other night, and made the realization that we will always speak and think in terms of “before the diagnosis, and after the diagnosis” as we look back at the events in our lives. How strange. And although all the doctors and experts tell us that she will now be “fine,” things have changed in countless and irreversible ways – many insecurities have risen.
So why is it that in this transitional climate – in this landscape that seems rife with changes beyond any human control, am I feeling calm? Good question. And the answer is quite unclear to me as well. Although recently I think I found a partial explanation in some promises that were made to me that I often forget about. They are in the Alcoholic’s Anonymous book, and they were written 76 years ago to all of those people who undertook “the program”. Like most of this book, when I first read these assurances about what a sober life and working on the 12 steps might do for me, I was completely skeptical. This was partially because I really did not think that I belonged in A.A. And I did not think I belonged because I did not need or desire help. And not just with my drinking. With anything. I would much rather just do it myself. The fact that I even picked up the book, and then read the thing, was a signal of just how unfulfilling my means of sobriety was. I had not drank for months when I first checked out the book from the local library, assuring the librarian that I was doing some research on the subject. And then I read it – from cover to cover – trying desperately to find more comfort in my abstinence while at the same time looking for any and all parts of the text that I could not relate to, the parts that proved they were talking about somebody else, to the “real” alcoholics out there.
Looking back on it, there were really only two parts of the book that hooked me; that were undeniably true and accurate to my situation. The first was the 1st step of the program: “We admitted that we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable.” Although I was woefully unaware of how unmanageable alcohol had made my life, I knew with 100% certainty that I could not have “just one” drink each and every time I drank. I certainly could not have just two, either. Something within me knew that once the substance entered my body, all bets were off – all the power was turned over to the alcohol. It was on. Brian had left the building. Powerless. The second part of the text that peaked my interest was one of the promises: “Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.” I was shocked that the book was speaking about fear. I thought this was a book about not drinking! And the truth was, that I was afraid – deeply afraid – of people, and situations, and change, and who I really was, and a whole sordid list of things that I thought no one else could see. And here they were, the authors of this book, telling me that not drinking could help with that – could make it go away – how about that? The part about “economic insecurity” also interested me. I thought it meant I would be rich. And that made more sense to me than the “fear thing,” because I certainly was spending a lot on alcohol and all that went with it. So that would be nice – I could handle being rich.
Occasionally over these years of abstinence I have been reminded of these promises, and the fact that they either have or are continuing to come true for me is undeniable. Progress has been made in all of these areas. Another part of the book reminds the reader that the 12 steps are about “progress not perfection.” I’ll take progress. I can live with that. I was thinking about these promises recently because they came up as the topic in a meeting. It was on “Founder’s Day,” a day when the official beginnings of Alcoholics Anonymous is recognized. A.A. is 76 years old this year. That seems such a short time to me. Before the program came into being, the chances of an alcoholic getting sober and maintaining sobriety were slim to none. Alcoholism simply could not be effectively addressed by medical means alone. Or by psychological means. Or by legal ramifications. Or by the church. For some reason, the combination of words and practices that the founders of the A.A. program put together worked, and continue to work, for hundreds of thousands of people who decide to give it a try and to stick with it worldwide. I think that is pretty miraculous – proof of a divine touch woven deep into the fabric of the program.
I also think that these promises are extraordinary. It would seem to make more sense to have one promise for people who are trying to stay sober: that you will stay sober. That you will not be drunk anymore. That the pain, and consequences, and looks from those around you when you have once again put alcohol in the driver’s seat of your brain, will stop. Those assurances make sense to me. But words like freedom? Happiness? Serenity? How did those words come into the mix? Why can we have those things if we stop drinking? At the end of the promises, a bold statement is made: “We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.” The word “God” was almost a deal breaker for the A.A. book. There was much discussion and many arguments about where and when to use the word. Some of the original members worried that the use of “God” would sound too preachy, too much like a religious organization that was pushing belief in God. So a compromise was reached. In many places, the term “Higher Power” was used as a replacement for God. In other places, “God as you understand Him” was added to reinforce the idea that A.A. was not promoting any certain religious deity. A chapter was also written in the book for Agnostics to further explain A.A.’s concept of God or a Higher Power. Over the years, I have heard people use acronyms for GOD: Good Orderly Direction, Group Of Drunks, etc.. The point is, that God is something other than you – something outside of yourself. And I am very grateful that, whatever interpretation people reading the promises may have of God, the original writers made clear that these things will only come true with the help of God. They can not be gained alone. They are given, over time “sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly” to quote the text.
I know that the ideas and beliefs that comprise Alcoholics Anonymous came from a variety of religious and spiritual beliefs that were floating around in the early 1900’s. They also contain the limited medical information about addiction that was available at that time. The fascinating thing about these ideas is that they continue to work today, 76 years later, when so much more has been researched and discovered about addiction. A.A. continues to be the primary way that people not only stay sober, but also find a way of life that they always sought in vain, a way of life that they never dreamed was possible. A life of freedom, happiness, and serenity. If you have gotten all the way to this point, and are thinking “Well, that’s just great for the alcoholics and addicts, but what about me? I don’t have any addictions!” Not to worry. You don’t need to go out and pick one up. In fact, I would recommend you don’t. They usually are messy and painful, and not at all worth the trouble in the end. But I think everyone can take “steps” towards self improvement, especially those who do not feel free, happy, and serene. There is so much we can worry about in these troubled times if we chose to. There is also so much we can learn, and so many people to help, and so little time to celebrate the things that are here and then gone – the precious, priceless fragile moments of our lives and the lives of those around us.
How are you feeling? Are you O.K? If not, what needs to change? Do you know? Are you trying? Are you asking for help? Are you teachable? Will you allow God to do for you what you can’t do for yourself? Who is God to you? Maybe it’s time to take some “steps”. Around here, we like to remember that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. I hope you take yours today…
Beautiful, Brian! I spent years in AlAnon (for friends and families of alcoholics) and still use these ideas every single day!
Thanks for this,
Ginger