Well, how did you do? Or better yet, how are you doing with the challenge? I know from personal experiences and from the testimony of others, that this challenge is not easy. It is actually extremely hard! I realize that many people who did try may have found the task too overwhelming, or maybe got too busy, or perhaps just forgot about it in the day to day list of demands and challenges outside of the one I offered. That is O.K. In fact, that is normal. Statistics show that the majority of people who attempt to change old behaviors will try several times before they actually begin to change the behavior. Notice that I said “begin” to change the behavior. Much of the work I do is concentrated on changing ingrained behaviors in the field of substance abuse, and relapses into old behaviors are common. Research has proven time and time again that we are indeed creatures of habit.
Last week I mentioned the work of Ekhart Tolle, and his book “The Power of Now.” I pointed out one simple message it holds: live for the moment. How many times in our human experience are we told this? Why does it usually take something that shakes our everyday routines to the foundation for us to really hear this message? For many, the message of living each moment comes after a severe loss in life – the loss of a relationship, or job, or a death loss of someone close. In my work, many people are experiencing the loss of their addiction, or of an unhealthy behavior. Many people are reminded of the fleeting nature of this life when something unfortunate, painful, or unexpected happens to someone close. A family member comes home with the diagnosis of cancer; a friend suffers through a separation or divorce, a neighbor is deployed to fight in a war, or the myriad of other unexpected events that challenge us to reflect on all of the things we are taking advantage of on a daily basis in our own lives. It is at these times we have the choice to reflect on our own lives, our own goals, our own priorities, and to ask ourselves if we are truly being the people we want to be. It is in these delicate, tragic, and desperate moments in our lives that the universal truth about the temporary nature of our lives is undeniable and each one of us is offered the opportunity to make changes based on that moment of clarity.
Over the last week, I challenged you to attempt staying in the moment. If you have not tried it yet, or if you forgot, or if you thought it was impossible, I encourage you to try again.
Ekhart Tolle points out that animals seem to do this without much, if any introspection, self reflection, or therapy. I have noticed that children have the ability to live joyfully in the moment as well. In some cases, I see young people who abandon this trait, or have it taken from them at younger and younger ages due to home environments, or the choices of those adults around them. Most of us would agree that kids should not be plagued by worry. They should not have to constantly question their own responsibility for things done in the past, and they should not have to worry about the future, wondering if the environment they are returning to each night is safe. In the field of addictions, this refers to the child who wonders everyday if the adult or adults in their home will be sober tonight. If they will once again be placed in an environment that is unpredictable and unsafe. If they will have to take on the role of the parent or of the responsible adult, because that position was abondoned by others in the home due to addictions and destructive behaviors. Some things should be considered basic rights for kids, and the freedom to live, and play and laugh from moment to moment is among them.
Back to us adults. One of the biggest things I hear from people, and especially from women when I present this challenge is ” That’s great. I love the idea of living in the moment, but that is just not possible when you are juggling the needs and wants and demands of everyone else on a daily basis.” I am by no means mentioning this to acuse women of having an excuse not to try. I am pointing out the truth. I know and I see everyday the tremendous amount of pressure on women, on my own wife in particular, to meet the needs of everyone else before considering her own needs. I know that it is real. I know that women in particular struggle with putting themselves first. I believe that just as much as not showing feelings or emotions continues to be a message that many men get from a young age, putting others first is a message that most women receive from childhood onward. It falls under the bigger message of “being nice.” Women tend to sacrifice more of themselves to please others. For this reason, the expectation that they will be thinking and planning for not only their own future, but for everyone else’s is greater. As soon as talk of a vacation or weekend getaway begins at my house, I can see the wheels turn in my wife’s head about what she will pack not just for herself, but also for our two kids. I have learned from her that this process involves taking into account the unlimited possibilities of: the weather being very hot; the weather being very cold; possible rain; possible hail; possible blizzard conditions “Global Warming, you know,” bringing enough food for everyone; bringing healthy food for everyone; bringing activities for the long car ride; suntan lotion, bug spray; a snake bit kit, shark repellant “actually that is for me and my unresonable fear of sharks – different blog material”; extra batteries; parachute; porta potty; am/fm weather radio with crank option if batteries go dead; matches; bedding; copies of all important documents; passports; water filters; umbrellas and the list goes on and on. It is no wonder to me that when we finally do pull out of the driveway on these trips, my bride usually passes out into a deep sleep for the first few hours of the ride and wakes mumbling “do we have the wet suits?”
I do not envy my wife’s position as event planner for the family. The few times I have taken our kids for a “Daddy’s Weekend,” most of the vital supplies were in fact left at home, and we returned dirty, smelly, slightly dehydrated, bug bitten and, in general, looking for my wife to make things better. I understand the necessity for women to plan, and think, and, well, to put it simply, worry about the future and to worry about others in the future. For many females, the challenge of staying present may seem impossible, ridiculous, and impractical. And maybe that is true.
If you can identify with the need to always put other’s needs first, there is really just one question to ask yourself, and it comes from Dr. Phil: “How is that working for you?” As I have said in previous posts, most, if not all of the self help techniques I have discovered that really work are from other sources. I have little to offer other than recalling and recounting the words and wisdom of others. I like Dr. Phil’s question. I think it cuts through excuses, rationalizations, and all types of other human thought that often keep people from making changes. So ask yourself honestly “How is putting others ahead of myself working for me?” What is your answer? Are you fine with it? Does it give you pleasure to make others happy and to put their needs ahead of your own? If so, keep doing what you are doing. This seems like a truly individual question, and I believe the extent to which you sacrifice your needs for others is a very subjective matter based on personal values, experiences and temperment. If, however, you find that the main reasons you put others ahead of yourself is to avoid feelings of guilt, shame, or put more simply “to be nice,” it is probably time to re-evaluate your behaviors in this area.
As a new day starts, I invite you, I encourage you, I challenge you, and I hope all the best for you by taking a good long look at where your thoughts and energy are at any given point in your day. Ask yourself at random times if you are staying present. If not, work to track where your mind is taking you. Are you thinking about the past? Are you projecting about the future? And most importantly, how are these thoughts working for you? Continue to challenge yourself with quiet time. If you find your mind taking you into negative places, stop the thought and replace it with one of gratitude, love, or appreciation. This method of beginning to control your thoughts is called, appropriately, thought stopping. Simply redirect your mind down a more productive and positive path by focusing on what you have, at this moment, rather than what you have lost, or what you really think you might want in the future. Live in the moment. Be grateful. Breathe. Rejoice.
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